Not being able to understand a single word of a language is unnerving, but it’s possible to quickly get over that by remembering that most of what comes out of people’s mouths in the language I do speak is utter bollocks anyway.
What I’ve always thought about when I’ve slept with a famous man is what he might be able to do to help my career. I’ve never cared if what’s dangling before my eyes is a worm, caterpillar, slug, or boa constrictor – can he get me on the telly or sell my script?
If I’d been a Roman, I’d have said: Stuff it. I’ll be dead soon. Bring me another bunch of grapes and a wench to shag. Failing that, a bloke in a toga. I’m really not fussy.
T
Today, I leave the hotel where the shower shares its space with the toilet (I swear that standing in the toilet bowl and flushing would be easier than navigating the shower) and head to an Air BnB for a week. Oh, what fresh hell awaits me there.
I want to thank my Facebook friends for the truly breathtaking love and support on my feed. I’m sorry if I alarmed anyone, but I felt I was falling from a great height with nowhere to land. You have been my rescue pad and I appreciate it more than I can ever express.
‘I hope you’re not a dilly dallier, because we’ve got five minutes to catch our train, and if you’re going to be dilly-dallying, we’ll need to be ahead of you.’
The nurse explained why coughing has the desired effect (it’s all to do with jerking it into action/submission – who knows), and I heard more about how a cervix operates in five minutes than I ever thought I needed to know in a lifetime.
Who knows. I might become Bulgaria’s answer to Nigella. Just so long as I can find a Bulgarian plastic surgeon to put in the groundwork.
I thought that the glass of wine I had beforehand would relax me; after all, it’s been so long since anything’s been up there, I thought that unless I took a muscle relaxant, nothing short of a JCB was going to do the job without some assistance.
I was such an innocent, if they’d shown me Last Tango in Paris with Dirk Bogarde’s infamous sexual butter scene , I’d have thought it to be a promotion for Anchor to put on my scones.