There are basically just two questions people want answered when going online: who’s dead and who’s s****ing whom: coffins and bonkings.

It’s why the Daily Mail’s “sidebar of shame” has become everyone’s guilty pleasure. When I came to the States 12 years ago, no one had heard of the paper; now, I’m introduced as “Daily Mail journalist” rather than by my name.

I suppose it’s only natural: sex (leaving the pleasure part aside) is, at its fundamental level, about procreating the human race – creating life; death is about snuffing the life force out.

It is what TV soaps thrive on and what their big Christmas episodes depend on every year: somebody dies or somebody gets the bird (not the turkey sort – hardly anybody even gets to the carving stage).

In Diego Maradona, the world lost who is arguably the greatest footballer of all time this week; in other news, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin are reportedly concerned that their 19 year-old daughter Amelia has seemingly fallen for 37 year old Scott Disick (an ex-Mr Kardashian – no idea which one; who cares).   

Meanwhile, the President is swearing on the golf course about balls, holes, and lack of aim. And, to boot, he’s dead in the water.

I rest my case.