What a long time ago it seems.

Back in July 2022, I wrote a piece about my attempt to pursue a career in real estate. Having passed the second of my two exams in May, I was all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and really eager to start.

Over six months on, I am no further along – and it’s not for the want of trying.

After you pass the exams, you have to be assigned to a broker, who will allegedly steer you through your first year. It really is a minefield – so many choices, so many warnings, so many companies who all confess to being THE most successful and brilliant people on the planet.

Having come from a journalism and broadcasting background in which I really HAVE met the smartest, funniest and most brilliant people, I was optimistic that I was about to encounter similar.

Not wishing to rush into anything, I attended a real estate event that was supposed to center upon marketing the luxury end of the market. To this end, they had brought in Ryan Serhant http://ryanserhant.com as a panel guest. For those not in the know, Ryan is a participant on a Bravo http://bravotv.com real estate show called Million Dollar Listing NY (there is also an LA version) and, having heard him speak before, was keen to do so again.

He’s a pitch perfect salesman – and that’s kind of a compliment. A lot of words come out and they all sound fantastic, but when the euphoria of the pitch wears off, you’re left holding a handful of hot air.

It’s something that’s easy to spot when you’ve been dealing with professionals for whom paring everything down and dispensing with BS is central to the job.

Don’t get me wrong. Ryan’s very good at what he does, and good luck to him. But, as an ex-actor, what he’s really done is perfect the art of playing the salesman. And I mean playing.

So, I introduced myself to him and, within 20 seconds – I kid you not – he was looking over my shoulder (an easy thing to do as I am only five feet tall; to me, he was Goliath) in search of better, more important prey.

The event was enjoyable enough, although quite why someone was asking a question about the homeless when it was a session about luxury houses is anybody’s guess. When I took the microphone to ask a question and said I had just passed my exams and was a journalist, a rotund man who appeared to be controlling the proceedings (badly), said, ‘Take the mic off her.’ I don’t know how or why it came out, but I quickly responded, ‘I’ve been in this game two minutes and I’m already doing better than you, mate.’

In fact, it was kind of true. I’d met someone developing property along the Strip in Vegas, and although I wouldn’t be allowed to deal in property on the state of Nevada, he had clients looking to buy in New York.

I had showbiz friends who were looking to sell their places in Manhattan and acquire something bigger. I live in a building where I quickly found four potential clients.

I’d even found a sponsoring broker – a huge, successful company – but I had some doubts. They wanted my creative input with writing and presenting but wouldn’t be paying any extra for it. When you’re starting out, you’re freelance and on commission for rentals and sales, so I couldn’t see how I would not be paid as a freelance for extra work.

They were, however, the best I had spoken to. During one Zoom call with another company, I appeared to be speaking with a 12-year-old whose only word was ‘Wow.’ Another agency didn’t call back.

So, at the Ryan event, a man who owned his own company – let’s call him Jeff, though it’s not his real name – came up to me after the event and said he would be keen to be my sponsor as ‘I don’t have anyone else like you on my team.’ He gave me his card and told me to call him as soon as possible.

So, I did. Like straight away. After the event. It’s what we do as journalists. ‘Straight away’ doesn’t mean: ‘Leave it a couple of weeks while I go into hibernation.’

Anyway, I had a meeting with his head honcho at their offices and sat there while she – let’s call her Anne – said: ‘So, tell me about yourself’ and proceeded to text, play on her computer, and do anything but listen to me talking about myself. She didn’t look up once and obviously hadn’t read my résumé, either. ‘I make it a point never to read them,’ Jeff later told me.

‘Don’t take any notice of me, I can multi-task,’ said Anne. At that point, I should have stood up and multi-tasked my way out but thought that maybe this was a test and the way they do things in real estate.

Nevertheless, she seemed to like me and introduced me to some of the team, who could not have been less enamored than if an Egyptian mummy had been sitting there – especially when I started talking about how to anthropomorphize property in a bid to make it more appealing to potential buyers.

Still, Anne said they wanted me, they sent over the paperwork, I signed it, told agency number one I would not be joining them, and thought that was that.

And then, the darkness set in. My gut just told me it was wrong but, on the way home, I gate-cashed a party, met some very influential people looking to buy and sell property and e-mailed my new potential sponsors to tell them I was on the case.

Radio silence. I screenshotted the business cards I had acquired. Crickets. I wrote to say I would not be joining them after all, and Jeff rang to ask why. I told him about the multi-tasking interview and he stressed how keen he was to have me on his team, although said I was a wild card. ‘And,’ he said, ‘you’ll have to slow down.’

Eh? ‘What do you mean?

‘I’m just saying you’ll have to slow down.’

‘Well, tell me what that means.’

‘You’ll just have to slow down.’

Coming from the high-speed world of journalism and broadcasting as I do, that’s like telling Messi to stop scoring so many goals. I told him I would think about the offer and, on my way to the airport, returning to the UK, Jeff rang to ask my decision and I said I would like to join them. My thinking was that it was only for a year and a bird in the hand and all that.

‘But you really have to slow down,’ he said. Then added that they were not currently looking to take on new agents. Make yer mind up, love! Jeez!

It was grossly unprofessional. Jeff had encouraged me not to go with the other agency, had slated them in our conversations, and had now left me high and dry. Anne was still keen to meet up for a drink to ‘check we were all on the same page.’ Same page? The slow one? I’m a fast reader and was already at the end of the book.

So, I decided they were not for me, even if and when they decided they were looking for agents again, and no further discussion was necessary. In our last conversation, I told Anne I was used to working in a more professional, fast-paced environment.

I also tried Ryan Serhant http://serhant.com who, in his books and talks, says you have to make yourself stand out. The examples he cites really aren’t that great, so I took a more imaginative step and sent him a beautiful (and expensive) carving set with six steak knives, saying that this was how hungry I was to work for him.

Some say it’s unlucky to give knives as a gift – well, they’re right there. The gift, along with the accompanying letter, went ignored, as did several e-mails and messages. Eventually, I received a reply to say that Ryan received many things and they couldn’t respond to them all.

I felt really stupid – I’d fallen for the sales patter which, in the end, had indeed turned out to be nothing but hot air. I’ve asked for them to return the unwanted knife set three times now and have received no response, apart from another 12-year-old PR who just didn’t understand the gist of the matter.

Then I was told that Ryan doesn’t have enough people working on this side of things for him. ‘I’ll do it!’ I said. That was a no goer.

Steve Gold http://corcoran.com, also of Million Dollar Listing NY, never got back to me after I sent him him a letter and my résumé three times, merely asking for advice.

So, to be honest, I’m just very disappointed with the caliber of the people I’m meeting. Before all this started, there was one agent – Jennifer (her real name, because she’s great) – in Jon Car Realty http://joncarrealty.com in Beacon, where I used to live, and she was amazing – smart, funny, brilliant at her job, and the person who encouraged me to do all this in the first place. There’s also someone very high up in a big firm in NYC who, in his spare time, sings and performs.

But in addition to being told I needed to slow down, I’ve been told there’s no room or time for creativity and thinking outside the box (despite Jeff advertising himself as a thinker outside the box). Some agents are clearly in it only for the money, others just because they can’t do anything else. Many are just dull and boring. And 12 years old.

I never expected it to be like it is on the TV – I’ve done enough TV not to be fooled by that – but I expected more energy. Dynamism. Enthusiasm. More…Messi!

I know I have a lot to learn – a LOT – but I also have a great deal to bring to the table.

The problem is that the tables I’m bringing it to appear to have had their legs sawn off.