Rain, rain and more rain. There’s nothing quite like this country’s weather to send Brits scurrying to websites, fantasising about how much happier they would be if they left the drizzle behind for a new life in the sun.
So, it’s no surprise that TV shows entice viewers with their images of golden beaches, lapping waves and outdoor bars as far as the eye can see.
By far the most successful is the multi award winning Channel 4’s A Place in the Sun.
I confess to being a Place in the Sun addict. I am obsessed with property anyway, but watching people struggle with the practical and emotional aspects of a potential move to a different country adds a whole other dimension.
There are clearly time wasters among the throng. ‘They’re not going to buy anything’ I tell my friend in a call after I see another sun-ripened Brit waddling along a promenade and huffing and puffing up a hill they’ll never be able to climb, let alone afford.
It’s become a competition to see which of us most accurately predicts the outcome, although this has recently been ruined by the show that now features all the key moments in advance, including the ending, when couples declare whether they’re going to make an offer. Where’s the fun in that? The whole pleasure of the show is trying to second guess the outcome; it becomes pointless if you tell us what it is at the outset.
And I’m sick of almost every show finishing with the presenter and couple sipping orange juice – presumably, because the colour looks better on camera. Give them all a proper drink, for goodness’ sake; it’s been a tough week. For all of us. Where’s my corkscrew?
I also don’t get why straight couples hold hands throughout (NEVER the gay ones! Heaven forbid). I suspect it’s because most of them are on the verge of breaking up, and supergluing their hands together is the only way to prevent their running off with someone else before filming has finished.
The problem with watching so many shows – and I really do OD on them: at least six on Saturday afternoons – is that you become so well versed in the repetition and cliché, it turns the whole thing into hilarious comedy, albeit unintentionally.
Fair play to the brilliant presenters, who manage to stay upbeat and smiling throughout what is clearly an often arduous task, trying to please whingeing house hunters. But I find myself imagining bubbles coming out of everyone’s heads, telling a very different story from what is coming out of their mouths.
Here, then, for the uninitiated, is a shorthand guide to the linguistic marshmallow land of A Place in the Sun.
THE PRESENTER’S LANGUAGE
‘You can get a lot more for your money if you go inland.’
Subtext: You will never be able to afford a beachfront property, so stop wasting my time with your over-inflated dreams.
‘The property is just a 20-minute drive away.’
Subtext: It’s in another country.
‘I’m leaving my house hunters for the moment to show you what’s also on the market and what you could get for £3million.’
Subtext: Why am I wasting my time with people who have a budget of £30k? I so wish I was presenting Million Dollar Listing.
‘What a wonderful property, but I have to get back to house hunters now.’
Subtext: I REALLY wish I was presenting Million Dollar Listing.
‘I’ll have to come and stay.’
Subtext: I hope our paths never cross again.
‘Let’s meet up in the morning and you can tell me what you’ve decided.’
Subtext: Dear lord. What time’s their plane? I can’t stand another minute with these people.
‘I know you wanted a pool for the grandchildren, but…’
Subtext: There is no pool. You can’t afford a pool. And there’s the Mediterranean, you ludicrous people.
‘Where did you meet and how long have you been together?’
Subtext: And this was really the best you could do?
‘So, the open plan bedroom wouldn’t work for you?’
Subtext: You’re not seriously still having sex together, are you?
‘Our next property is just a short cycle ride away.’
Subtext: It’s the Tour de France.
‘Spain’s glorious Costa del Sol.’
Subtext: I can’t believe they’ve sent me to this s**t hole yet again.
‘I’m going to introduce you to another ex-pat, who’s been living here for 20 years.’
Subtext: Kill me now.
‘We wish them well in their ongoing search.’
Subtext: They’ll never be happy and need therapy.
WHAT THOSE EXCHANGES REALLY MEAN
‘Would you be happy catching a bus to the beach?’
‘Oh yes, no problem with that.’
Meaning: You must be joking. That’s a complete waste of valuable drinking time.
‘Do you think you’d learn the language?’
‘Definitely.’
Meaning: Not a chance. There are too many Spanish people in Spain and they should learn to speak English.
‘Are you up for a bit of a renovation project?’
‘Absolutely.’
Meaning: I don’t even know how to change a light bulb.
‘We like the more relaxed lifestyle.’
Meaning: We are bone idle. Where’s the bar?
‘We’ll have to go home and discuss it with the family.’
Meaning: Our entire family thinks we are barking mad and in no way will they endorse this move.
‘We have to sit down and look at our finances.’
Meaning: We don’t even have the money for a shed, let alone this £80k apartment.
‘I can see myself here with a glass of wine, watching the world go by.’
Meaning: I’m too lazy to get off my fat backside and am coming to Spain just to get p****d on gallons of sangria.
‘The stairs might be a problem.’
Meaning: I forgot to tell you I have a wooden leg.
‘We could put a sofa bed in here.’
Meaning: It’s not big enough.
‘It’s very spacious.’
Meaning: I’ve seen bigger eye baths.
‘We’d like to put in a very cheeky offer.’
Meaning: We have and had no intention of moving here, but thanks for the free holiday, Channel 4.
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