East vs West. It’s one of the great debates in American culture; the only thing the opposite coasts appear to agree on is that nobody likes much in the middle.
Having lived in both New York City and Los Angeles, occasionally at the same time, I can reveal it’s not only the weather that affects how one lives – and that changes year on year, anyway. I’ve enjoyed a non-humid summer in NYC that was a joy, and several very humid ones that saw me flying to the comfort of UK rain.
Humidity in LA in July can be ghastly, too, but you can’t beat it for January’s warmth, when NYC can freeze a face faster than Botox on an actor with aging fears.
Each time I swop cities, my diet, emotions, mindset, spirit and behavior transform, along with my body heat. Should anyone be considering an East/West existence, you would do well to heed the following in order to prepare yourself fully for what lies ahead.
ROAD SAFETY
NEW YORKERS
Pedestrian crossings are there only to show pretty lights – white and red. White means you can cross to the other side; so does red. If anyone ahead of you does not understand this basic principle, it is acceptable to shout “Hey! Move it, people!” and shove them into oncoming traffic in order to save yourself three valuable seconds.
ANGELENOS
Don’t even think of getting to the other side of the road until you have made at least three phone-calls, while forgetting that you are required to push the button on the crossing to bring up the pretty lights. And specially don’t think of crossing on red. This is considered an act of civil disobedience and will get you an on the spot fine, or instant incarceration from a vigilant policeman who has seen too much NYPD Los Angeles on the telly.
DIET
NEW YORKERS
If it stands still long enough, chuck it in your gob or, preferably, straight down your throat, bypassing tongue and teeth. The idea is to gain at least seven pounds from the moment you start eating to when you call for the check. Always keep at the forefront of your mind that there could be a pizza famine at any moment.
ANGELENOS
Never under-estimate a leaf. There is a lot you can do with it. Lift it to your mouth and put it down again. Slalom it around your plate as if it is engaged in the annual Lettuce Grand Prix. Chew on it 20 times in order to create enough saliva that acts as a filling beverage to accompany your meal. All of this will give you the impression that you are gorging to your heart’s content. Should you feel too full after swallowing said leaf, you can rush to the rest room to put your fingers down your throat.
SERVICE
NEW YORKERS
Contrary to popular belief, New Yorkers are not rude; they are just very direct. Expect to be chased down the street with a very sharp fork if you don’t leave a tip, and expect to be greeted like a long lost relative on your next visit if you leave a large one. And make sure you tip according to normal prices when paying Happy Hour prices.
ANGELENOS
Everyone’s a failed actor. Finding a waiter who is doing it for the love of the job will take as long as it did Steven Spielberg to win his first Oscar (a long time, since you ask). Expect to be asked for ID everywhere, even if you look 103. Never expect to be remembered – unless you are in the Boulevard Bar of the Beverly Wilshire, where they not only remember you, they remember what you like to drink two years after your last visit.
DRINKING (PRE-COVID)
NEW YORKERS
Timing is everything. From two-hour Happy Hours to all day Happy Hours, plus 4am closing time, expect never to find anyone 100% sober, unless they are in AA. “Will you do a shot with me?” is a familiar phrase delivered with such an air of melancholy, it seems rude to refuse. If you are a regular and tip well, expect to enjoy a complimentary drink. Sales reps for new drinks are also forever promoting their wares in bars, which means you need never have single vision again, should you so choose.
ANGELENOS
Expect to go on safari to find a decent Happy Hour and never, ever expect a free drink, unless you are a hooker hanging out at a hotel bar. If you are, by the way, the technique appears to go along the lines of: you arrive at the bar at 5pm, drink tap water for anything between one minute and three hours, and then, when a potential client turns up, decide that nothing short of six $25 cocktails is going to quench your thirst.
SEX
NEW YORKERS
There isn’t any. But maybe that’s just me.
ANGELENOS
There isn’t any. But maybe that’s just me.