1. Regret anything. You’re too damned late and you’ll be dead before you get the chance to put it all right.
2. Queue, unless you can blag your way to the front. Anything you want to see is on the telly or in a book.
3. Try to understand men. Stop. You never will. They aren’t just from Mars; they are from another solar system yet to be discovered by real humans.
4. Get your tits out for the lads. You should have stopped doing that 20, or even 30, years ago. No one wants to see them anymore.
5. Believe in God. He ain’t there.
6. Drink and text. You can’t hold your alcohol as well as you used to, and you have never got to grips with your iPhone touchpad screen.
7. Run up an escalator that is going down. You won’t make it. Trust me on this one #paramedicsalert.
8. Get in touch with exes on social networking. They really have moved on. You should, too.
9. Take up ice-skating. Are you nuts?
10. Tell the doctor how many units of alcohol you drink. They really do know that 13 means 30 (plus).
11. Tell anyone that William Hartnell was the best ever Dr Who.
12. Sleep on the sofa because you can’t be arsed to walk 10 feet to the bedroom.
13. Be lazy, drunkenly heading for the bathroom in the middle of the night. The white telephone table in the hallway only looks like the toilet; you have several more feet to go.
14. Think that topping yourself is the answer to everything. You’ll never find out whether it really was.
15. Lose touch with your oldest friends. They’ve stuck with you this long, so you can’t be all bad.
16. Talk to yourself on the street. Nobody likes a loony.
17. Think you will ever be rich. You won’t. You have left it way too late.
18. Have Botox. You will look like a pastry case with no filling and people will wonder why you are smiling when they tell you their entire family has been killed in a plane crash.
19. Buy a dog. It could well outlive you and probably have to be put down once it has paid its respects by urinating on your grave.
20. Get married – unless there is loads of money, loads of sex, or a Green Card in it for you.
21. Take advice from people. They are only ever talking about themselves.
22. Think that life was so much better when you were poorer. At least you get to cry over a glass of champagne now, rather than tap water.
23. Wear a bikini. You will just look like an underdressed tree trunk.
24. Think you can make someone fall in love with you. They will or they won’t. It’s that simple. And that complicated.
25. Start looking up every ache and pain on Google, or you will think you have five minutes to live.
26. Check the gray in your pubic hair. It will really depress you.
27. Check the gray in any lover’s pubic hair; that will depress you even more.
28. Believe a 20-something year old when they say they are attracted to your maturity. For “maturity,” read “no strings-attached leg-over.”
29. Go platinum blonde in an effort to look younger. You will only end up looking like Myra Hindley’s less attractive sister.
30. Contemplate any relationship with a man unless he is one who will put out the garbage.
31. Accept lifts from strangers. You never learned that one, did you?
32. Try to win a goldfish or coconut at the fairground. You never did during the first six decades of your life, so what makes you think your luck is going to change now?
33. Buy a gun. You will only end up using it and end up in a box six feet under, or on Death Row.
34. Say that you aren’t going to cry the next time you watch ET. You will. Keep a very large bucket next to you at all times.
35. Watch Titanic. Life really is too short for that. And you know the ending anyway. It sinks. See? I’ve saved you the trouble already.
36. Believe anything anyone ever tells you about penises. Especially men. And lesbians.
37. Trust the soothing voice of a pilot when he says you are experiencing “a bit of turbulence.” You are closer to death than you know.
38. Go to bed angry, if you’re single. There is no one else there. You’re on a hide into nothing.
39. Ever try to help the police with their inquiries. You’re a suspect. You probably did it, but have forgotten.
40. Start watching the Columbo marathon – because it never stops, and life as you know it will be over forever. You will even start wondering if this is what you should have been doing your entire life
41. Say the C word in the USA, or, if you speak Russian, the P word. “Prick,” however, is apparently perfectly acceptable.
42. Breast-feed in public. Especially if you don’t have a baby.
43. Start wondering if you are gay because you’ve never been married. You opted quite early on which side of the Penis vs the Furry Cup argument you were on, and there has been little evidence to prove you were wrong.
44. Give up your seat to anyone on public transport, no matter how old, pregnant or infirm they are. You’ve been through shit, too; you’ve earned your spot.
45. Try to rescue anyone appearing to be in trouble in the sea. They are waving, not drowning. You, however, will drown.
46. Keep checking your phone. He hasn’t called. Never will.
47. Think too much. It’s never got you anywhere.
48. Lend anyone money. Borrow to your heart’s content, but don’t lend.
49. Get into debt. Oh, too late.
50. Start making lists of how your life has changed since hitting 60.
51. Use a battery-operated device to shave your face and eyebrows when you’ve been drinking. You will end up looking like a turnip.
52. Attempt to read Salman Rushdie again. You failed many times before. At this age, you will definitely be dead before making it to page 10 of any of his books.
53. Cry yourself to sleep. You are dribbling into your pillow so much these days, you will be woken by your head thinking it is going down with the Titanic and looking as if you are nursing two baked potatoes under your eyes.
54. Spend time with anyone who begins a sentence “You’re gonna find this funny” or “You’re gonna laugh at this.” You won’t.
55. Think you can become a web designer. Life – your life, certainly – really is too short. The only thing you have time for is to choose the font for your coffin lid. Pay an expert.
56. Try to pull out a stubborn champagne cork with your teeth. You won’t have those teeth for much longer; enjoy them while you can.
57. Stand on your office chair with wheels to change a lightbulb/smoke alarm battery. It will not end well.
58. Go hiking alone. You will end up stranded for days on a mountainside, having to drink your own urine until the rescue services arrive.
59. Tell young people that everything was better in the olden days; in the 21st century, they already know that.
60. Worry about a global pandemic killing you off; it’ll never happen… Oh, wait…