Will Dorit and Kyle cement their friendship? Will Dorit ever shut up long enough to find out? Will PK beat Mauricio to the title of Ozempic pin-up man of the year? Has everyone lost so much weight because Kathy stuffs her face with every available freebie before anyone else makes it down for dinner? Who are the deluded people buying (literally and metaphorically) Amanda’s bullshit? What has landed on Andy Cohen’s head?
So many questions remain unanswered as we await tonight’s ’s third and final reunion of the 15th series of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills http://bravotv.com, though at the rate people are breaking up, the word ‘housewife’ is kind of becoming redundant.
This time round, we’ve seen Dorit Kemsley, Kyle Richards and newcomer Rachel Zoe discussing their respective divorces, albeit only when their vocal cords manage to take a break from gasping over $11,000 purses. Teeny purses. I’ve seen bigger butter dishes.
With everything going on in the world, the moneyed, privileged existence of this group has left a nasty taste in the mouth this season. Who goes to Florence and spends nearly all the time in and out of the very same designer shops they can find in Beverly Hills? FYI ladies, there’s a Dolce and Gabbana on Rodeo Drive, but I’m pretty sure you already know that.
Where to start?
Ok. Dorit Kemsley and Kyle Richards. Dorit, the tinnitus of reality TV (I pray for the day she goes down with laryngitis), and Kyle, whose face is now so unlined, I wonder if there’s a gremlin lodged at the back of her head, pulling on both ears until they meet in the middle.
But she still looks beautiful, unlike Dorit, whose meanness grows at an even faster rate than her lips. Her narcissism is now off the chart. Yes, she’s going through a difficult break-up with PK (with whom she appears to be competing for Stick Insect of the Year), but as Erika said, they’re all going through something. Dorit has now reached a level of self-absorption that you feel she’d walk out of Madame Butterfly if they weren’t singing about her.
Not that she’d understand it. The only language she spouts worse than the Italian she claims to speak is English. Please, can someone teach her the difference between “I” and “me”. She says “I” in that faux pas grand voice, thinking it sounds posh.
Nearly every time, it’s wrong. Sentences along the lines of “The problem with PK and I is that . . .” for instance. It’s ME, Dorit! ME ME ME! You, of all people, should not have difficulty getting that word out. Look it up under use of singular person pronouns. I’m not your English teacher.
Kyle is banging her head up against a brick wall trying to mend her friendship with Dorit (if there ever really was one) because Dorit’s beef with her could fill an abattoir a million times over. J
Jealousy.
Simple as that. I suspect she’s always viewed Kyle as having it easier than her – sexy husband, successful businesswoman blessed with natural charm and humour, easy access to Hollywood’s elite (which is probably why she wanted to woo Kyle in the first place) and, now, having an amicable break-up. While Dorit self-combusts about her ex, PK, she furiously sees Kyle as the outward face of calm (though that might be down to the gremlin).
And so, to Amanda Frances. I didn’t think it would be possible to find anyone duller than Crystal Kung Minkoff (how she lasted three seasons from 2021-2024 is a miracle of contract law), but boy, with Amanda, they’ve really pulled it out of the bag – out of a Kyle Richards Hermès Birkin $127,000 purse, to be precise.
While Bozoma Saint John’s behaviour is confrontational, sometimes to the point of bullying, you can’t blame her for trying to get to the bottom of what it is Amanda actually does. According to her, she makes “millions of dollars” from some kind of online counselling and selling books with asterisks for the word f**k, but what does all that mean? As Kathy said, she needs to learn to read the room.
Alas, she comes across as someone who would have trouble reading the cover of her own c**p. Jumping on something Dorit said as a great subject for her next gem, she’s keen to display her adeptness with writing – or balancing a laptop on a pillow. The idea that Dorit is capable of saying anything that could make it into a 17-syllable haiku, let along something warranting the effort of turning pages, is laughable in itself.
Amanda couldn’t even make her experience of having escaped a cult sound interesting. I’ve heard people talk about leaving Starbucks with an Americano sound more adventurous.
I won’t hear a word said against the goddess that is Erika Girardi (who I think has had and is having the toughest time of anyone) , nor the hilarious Kathy, and the adorable and super smart Jennifer Tilly, who I swear could wear a buffalo on her head and carry it off).
Full marks also to Sutton Stracke, now Brown, for “working” on herself. There are still moments of spite that trickle through, but she’s been coming across better, as have her ghastly outfits – apart from the bow on the back of her white dress that looked like the Angel Gabriel taking a well-deserved nap from telling unsuspecting virgins they were pregnant.
But what is Natalie Swanston doing in the mix as a “friend”? She’s like a stray extra who’s inadvertently walked on to the wrong set and no one has had the nerve to ask her what the hell she’s doing there. She’s so boring, I haven’t even Googled her. Sorry about that. Something else for you to do while Googling “singular person pronouns” with Dorit. I don’t give her a second series.
So, as we eagerly anticipate the grand finale, what have we learned from the series and what can we learn going forward?
Kyle likes men, women and expensive purses. Dorit likes herself. And Mauricio is still hot as hell. Oh, yes. That alone was worth the endurance test that was series 15.
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