Ten years? That’s no sentence!

So the Academy, in its not so infinite wisdom, has decided to ban Will Smith from the Oscars for ten years. I know many people who have attended this event, and given the amount of time you are required to contain your bladder, I’d say that Will hasn’t been handed down a punishment but a reprieve. He must be clapping his hands with glee that he doesn’t have to sit through that interminable ceremony for a decade.

Next up, I reckon, will be the announcement that he has split from the woman whose name I have to keep out of my f*****g mouth, for legal reasons. If I were his manager/agent, that’s what I’d recommend; it’s his only way back. Check out the clips and stories revealing her behavior towards him; it makes you wonder whether the Chris Rock slap was more to do with Will wanting to appease his wife than expressing his own anger – for a joke he’d just laughed at (until he saw the reaction of She Who Must Not Be Named).

At least he hasn’t had his Best Actor gong taken away – quite right, too. He is a phenomenal talent and, I suspect, will spend every day regretting his moment of madness.

But Hollywood is a forgivng beast, and there’s nothing they love more than a sinner who repenteth.

Enjoy the next ten years, Will; you’ve been handed a gift.

You and your bladder.